Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
