I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
