I heard we made out
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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