well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
