Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
