On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize