The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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