he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
