I got chris browned last night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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