we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
