apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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