My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
