Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
