Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
