Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize