left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
