Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
