you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
