My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
