I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
