I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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