you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
