bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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