Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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