just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
