apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm at about main and main street
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
