I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
