hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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