i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Everything about him screamed your future.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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