im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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