in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
