And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize