im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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