my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
