I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
