I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
