My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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