Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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