you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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