My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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