community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
