I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
