I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
