We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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