i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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