just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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