I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
