i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
