I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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