All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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