3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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