You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
