yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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