I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
