I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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