I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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