I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
