You smell like stripper and shame
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
