Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
