its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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