sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
